Panting, Padmé withdrew her hand and wiped it clean. As she waited for her breathing to calm down, she knew that she had done all she could to prepare. There was nothing left but to go through with it.
It began several months ago. Obi-Wan had called her and requested that they have dinner together, without attendants or droids, in her apartment.
Mystified but intrigued, she agreed.
He arrived punctually, giving no reason for his request until long after their food had been settled inside them and they were having drinks alongside each other upon her sofa.
When he at last started to tell her why he had come to visit, she could not have been more surprised.
Or shocked.
Apparently there was a rather unorthodox ritual within the Order for when a padawan learner was deemed ready for their trials. During their communion with the ancient energy that was the force, there was always the risk that a Jedi could become lost within the waves, unable to find a way back to their bodies. A great many Jedi had been lost this way, before they found techniques in which to combat the risk. It could happen during a battle, during meditation…
.... And during sex.
The latter was why he had come to see her. Anakin had requested that his trials begin. Privately Obi-Wan and several of the council believed he was not ready to become a knight, lacking the psychological discipline required, but they could not refuse the request, simply because of his skills with a lightsaber which were now competing with the level of a Master, a usual indication of a padawan's readiness for knighthood.
Of all the trials, for there were many, the ones which challenged a padawan’s self discipline took the longest to reach completion, due to the amount of preparation involved. All were supervised in order to prevent a padawan being lost within the Force. When it came to the most unorthodox of all, there was a particular amount of care and supervision involved. It was also an unusual ritual in one respect. That if the padawan expressed a wish to include a being who did not belong to the Order and that request was granted, they would be allowed to participate within the ritual.
Hence this evening visit, to ask her if she was able to grant the wish which Anakin had expressed in her and would be willing to participate.
Still shocked by what he had told her, it took some time for her to answer. She had not seen Anakin for over ten years, not since they were very young, fighting to free her people from the Trade Federation blockade. She had difficulty picturing him as a young almost Jedi Knight, similar to what Obi-Wan must have been back then, for she knew he was knighted on Naboo, in recognition of his victory against a Sith. In her mind she could only see the child that Anakin had been, boldly confident, precocious, possessing a natural engineering talent while concealing the fears that were a byproduct of his upbringing. To hear of him as a young man, professing a desire for her, was as unsettling as the comment he had made about the two of them marrying, all those years ago.
Nervously, her mind still coming to terms with all she learned so far this evening, she asked if he could explain what her participation would entail.
The answer she received was quite detailed. Obi-Wan replied that she could begin at any point of the ritual she wished. She could change her mind whenever she felt it was too much, or just participate in the final act. He then went on to explain what the ritual would entail for her, if she chose to participate.
Four acts compromised the entire trial, designed to educate the padawan and accustom her to what the ritual involved.
Number one was learning about pleasure, which she soon realised was basically engaging in mastubation until they were naturally easily aroused. The second entailed hand stroking and oral gratification, with the same goal in mind as the first. The third was a rehearsal of the positions the ritual demanded before a mirror, which would act as a prop to accustom her to the reality of witnesses who would observe the final act. The fourth was her and Anakin participating in that position, before a member of the Trial Council, Obi-Wan and two other jedi, who were tasked in tutoring her and Anakin through the previous three acts.
She and Anakin would progress at the same pace through the three stages of preparation, not engaging with each other until they were ready to perform the ritual. This separate tuition was in itself a mark of Anakin's progress in becoming a Jedi, a sign of deficiency in his self discipline. If he had mastered that particular aspect of training, they would take part in the lessons together, albeit under supervision just in case they needed guidance or Anakin was in danger of losing himself to the Force. As he had not mastered his self-discipline, they would be taught apart, and he would be without the knowledge of how much participation she took. A female Jedi master had been selected to tutor Anakin, while Padmé could choose anyone in the Order she wished.
Her immediate thought was to choose Obi-Wan. She did not know why, but he seemed to her to be the appropriate choice. He was one of the few Jedi she knew, they were comfortable with each other. She trusted him. She knew that she would be safe with him.
She voiced the question, asking him if he was eligible, despite being Anakin's master, if it would not be a conflict of interest. He was clearly surprised by her choice, yet he replied that if she chose to participate, then he would be honoured to accept the role of her tutor.
Obi-Wan gave her some time to think it over, assuring her that she was well within her right to refuse, that her decision to do so not would make no difference to Anakin passing this trial, as there were alternatives put in place for those who chose not to voice such a request.
Padmé thought about little else for several days. At first the nature of the ritual had slightly horrified her, even though Obi-Wan had made the reasons why it was undertaken sound perfectly reasonable. He had given her a few pieces of reading material on the ritual before he left, which were extremely detailed about it, explaining reasons behind each aspect, what they achieved in helping a padawan maintain and improve their self-discipline in all aspects of interacting with others outside and not belonging to the Order, how it came to help them in understanding behaviour and when they made commitment to another. The latter, like much of what she had heard tonight surprised her, she had thought that was against the code for a Jedi to pursue a relationship. Now she learned that with consent of the Council, a Jedi was allowed to marry and have children if they desired to do so.
In the end, she agreed to participate. Though the thought of having sex with Anakin before witnesses was still a little unnerving, she reasoned that ultimately it was a favour for a friend, albeit an extreme one.
Obi-Wan was surprised by her acceptance and her request to participate in all the lessons. Her reasoning to do so, as she explained as much to him, was to give her the opportunity to become used to impersonal sex, so by the time she had it with Anakin it would not feel so uncomfortable.
They were both nervous on the night she began her lessons. Although he had participated in this ritual in order to pass his own trials, performing such intimate acts in front of each other was not something either of them had expected their friendship to include.
They maintained a certain level of decency. Both wore something to cover their chests, as she would be allowed to do so during the ritual with Anakin. But their sex was utterly bare and Padmé could not help but blush as she caught sight of him and he reacted to her admiration.
They retired her to her bedroom. He started first, seated on the bed before her, stroking himself. When he reached the state of full arousal, he asked her to begin.
From the reading material he had left her, Padmé knew this was the usual practice for the first time during this act, as the sight of the tutor's erection was supposed to provide a visual aide.
She followed the advice which the reading material provided, settling her gaze on his arousal as she tended to her own. Though it took some time, she managed to reach her peak.
Afterwards, as she lay back flushed and warm against the pillows, her gaze met Obi-Wan's as he took hold of himself to finish off the act. He returned her look with one of his own, unspoken and full of meaning that neither of them dared to explore just yet.
Afterwards he sought to put her at ease by giving her a cloth to clean herself before he produced one for him. He handed her the skirt she had shed before they began and put on his trousers. He talked to her about the current affairs of the galaxy until it was time for him to return to the temple.
The next night he returned and they repeated the act, doing so every night, the nerves and awkwardness gradually fading away as anticipation of sexual pleasure took their place.
When they moved on to the second act, he began it with a final lesson of the first, in a repeat of the motions that took place during the first time, along with the nerves as well. It was one thing to contemplate, another entirely to actually do.
After she had reached her peak, he took her hand and curled her fingers around his cock, guiding her movement until he came.
He saw to her pleasure then, his hands and mouth between her thighs, his gaze always on her, observing what aroused her the most. Her second peak was more powerful than her first, something she reasoned was due to his fingers being able to reach places hers found difficult.
The practicing of the second act lasted longer than the first, due to Anakin experiencing some difficulty during it. Since she was obliged to keep pace with him, she continued to engage with Obi-Wan in bringing him to his peak with her hand and he bringing her to hers, with his fingers, tongue and mouth.
She had never taken him in her mouth, although she had often wondered what it would feel like if she did. Once she had made an attempt to do so, only to be prevented by him staying her motions. When she asked why, he had answered that it was not something he enjoyed, finding the usual position for the act demeaning. He also added that it was not necessary to practice such as it was not included within the ritual.
Neither was her oral gratification she pointed out, to which he reminded her that she needed to be as fully aroused as possible for the ritual and repeated acts of pleasure helped aid her body into such a state. With that answer she was forced to concede and deny herself and him that form of gratification, yet the curiosity lingered within her, joining other feelings, which, once they took root, flourished.
There was a series of nights she remembered in particular as being the prelude to what was to come. Instead of sitting facing each other, Obi-Wan had sat before the pillows and gathered her in front of him. He used just his fingers on those nights to bring her to her peak, slipping them inside her one at a time while his thumb tended to her clit.
She could feel his arousal against her back, or see it between her thighs when the constraint of her back pressed to his chest became too much for him to bear. His head rested on her shoulder, his warm breath passing by her ear and over her skin.
After her peak he waited for her to take him in hand, always surprised when she did. He had told her the first night that it was her choice, that these lessons were just about her pleasure and not his gratification. Yet she had been curious and then fascinated, before desiring to give him the pleasure which he freely gave her. She respected his wishes in never taking him into her mouth, though she continued to wonder what it would feel like.
She also began to contemplate how the third act would feel. Obi-Wan had told her that the traditional positions would be used first, that they would only begin rehearsing the position used in the ritual when it was deemed that Anakin was ready to undertake it and she was comfortable to proceed in participating.
Lying against him as he made her peak with his fingers, or watching him as he brought her to her orgasm with his mouth, caused feelings to grow inside her, ones which she came to realise had always been there, waiting to be acknowledged.
She worried about voicing them, about whether he felt the same. How he would feel about her continued participation in the ritual if he did, along with her own feelings for doing so. Whether it would feel like a betrayal of what lay between them, if anything did. She knew these lessons would stop after the ritual and wondered how they would feel going back to a friendship without them. The possibility caused an ache that she could only imagine to be worse when it became reality.
She was afraid to speak of it, but eventually it became impossible to ignore and conceal.
During one of the nights after he had brought her to her peak while she lay against him, she turned and sought his lips. As surprised as he was when she took him in hand, he was more so now, so much so that it took courage for her to continue pressing her lips against his unresponsive ones.
When he did respond at last, it was everything she had imagined, if not more. His mouth opened and his tongue sought hers, as his arms pulled her closer into his embrace, while his fingers explored parts of her previously not permitted.
When they finally broke apart, her body facing him, his arousal nestled against her folds, the realisation and acceptance of the feelings that lay between them silently apparent.
From that moment they progressed into the third act without any regard for Anakin's pace. That night Obi-Wan made love to her, seeking her consent and need for protection before he slowly slipped inside her for the first time. His mouth worshipped every aspect of her as he thrust himself in and out of her, bringing her to her peak before he sought his own.
They talked during the afterglow, about their feelings and if she still wanted to go through with the ritual. She admitted her reluctance in the wake of their shared affections, but that a part of her also felt obligated to continue to participate.
He reminded her of what he had said in the beginning, that it was entirely up to her and she was free to withdraw at any time, that as yet Anakin knew nothing of her involvement and would continue to remain in ignorance until the day of the ritual in order to grant her this freedom.
It would be difficult to watch her go through with it, he acknowledged, yet if she wanted to do so, he would not dissuade her. Nothing would change between them if she did, he swore to her.
His avowal did not make her decision any easier. She still had time to withdraw if she wished, for according to his tutor Anakin was not ready to move on to the rehearsal of the act in preparation for performing the ritual. Yet she still felt committed to participating, concerned that though no one had told him, somehow Anakin knew or would come to know of her involvement and would resent her decision to withdraw, not to mention her relationship with Obi-Wan if he learned of that as well.
Obi-Wan never pressured her into making a decision, his focus always on her pleasure whenever they spent the evening together. Now that they had admitted to the feelings that lay between them, he frequently spent the night too, only parting from her in the morning, when her duties required her to work, or when he was needed at the Temple. She had been worried at first that his frequent absences from the Order would aid Anakin’s possible discovery of their relationship, as he would question his master’s time away, but Obi-Wan assured her that because Anakin was undertaking his trials, his duties as master were only to be kept apprised of the padawan’s progress towards knighthood, which was assessed independently, just as his behaviour as a master and his respect for the time of his padawan's trials was too.
For a while, Padmé tried to forget about the ritual, focusing on her budding relationship with Obi-Wan, in and out of the bedroom. Their time together now included meals and domesticity, as whenever he came over in the evening and left in the morning, they always broke their fast together. Often it felt as if they were living together, as their paths rarely crossed during their duties of the day. When they spoke of politics and matters currently concerning the Republic, it was very easy to forget what was to come especially as their nights together had abandoned all of the formality involved within the ritual and transformed into the traditional motions of making love.
Until one night when Obi-Wan came to her with a troubled look that brought her dilemma back to the forefront.
Anakin had at last progressed into the final stage of ritual. Only the rehearsals of the final act were left.
Her time was running out.
At her request Obi-Wan took her through a rehearsal of the ritual, moving a mirror so she could see herself during the act, kneeling behind her as she knelt on the bed, thrusting into her from behind. It was difficult for both of them, not because of the mirror, for that aspect she found somewhat arousing, but because of what the rehearsal meant, which made it difficult for either of them to achieve satisfaction from performing it. Added to that Obi-Wan’s girth also limited him to only shallow thrusts, as he refused to do the position required for full penetration, which would have required her to press her face against the bed and raise her derriére. Obi-Wan found that position demeaning to her. He argued also that it wouldn’t be needed, because Anakin was not as well endowed as he.
It only brought the decision she needed to make to the forefront of her mind. Afterwards when he withdrew from her and took her into his arms, letting the silence settle over them, knowing she needed time to think, Padmé contemplated the choices before her.
There were only two. She could either go through with the ritual or refuse to participate any further. The latter was the easiest option, as Anakin was still ignorant of her initial acceptance and would never learn of it either, if she did. Her withdrawal would not leave him unable to pass the trial, for he would simply go through the ritual with his tutor, as Obi-Wan had confessed to her that he had done so, having been not interested in anyone when it came to him having to undertake it.
Or she could go through with it, a motion which seemed only harder now since she had first agreed to it, and not just because of her relationship with Obi-Wan. The idea of kneeling on the bed, before those almost dispassionate onlookers, while a man she had not seen since he was a boy, kneeled behind her and coupled with her, was no longer a favour that she was doing for a friend. It may have been rationalised away as such when she first agreed, but now a part of her questioned Anakin’s motives in asking for her.
If he really cared for her, as he claimed, why would he ask her to do this? Why had he not chosen to do what Obi-Wan had done and take part with his tutor? Did he not think of what she might feel in undertaking this ritual? Did he only think of himself and who he wished to undertake this trial with, a girl he had not seen in ten years, who was older than he, wiser in the ways of the galaxy than he? She wanted to confront him with all of these questions, even though that would reveal her initial acceptance to participate in this ritual. Another part of her contemplated brazening it out, imagining Anakin cowed by her appearance, unable to perform.
She had read about what could happen if the padawan was unable to perform the ritual. Either his tutor would stimulate him until he became able to do so, or his master would show him how it was done. Ultimately it was up to the Master from the Trial Council to determine what would happen. Out of those alternatives, Padmé preferred it being Obi-Wan who stepped in, though she wondered how it would feel having him in front of Anakin and other witnesses when compared to the privacy and intimacy of her apartment. Though using the mirror was meant to provide that feeling of being watched, she knew it would be different with witnesses.
One night she asked Obi-Wan how he felt about the trial.
"I see the need for it," he replied, "making love using the force is a powerful experience," he added and she flushed as she recalled the times they had done so. Though she was not force sensitive herself, feeling Obi-Wan's touch using the ancient energy was an extraordinary event. "But I'm not sure I agree with how the trial is conducted. I can think of other ways, however none of them are the ideal solution either."
They practiced the position in front of the mirror a few more times, but spoke of the trial no more. Padmé knew that Obi-Wan would support whatever decision she made and was giving her the space to make the choice whether to take part in the ritual or not. She knew that time was running out, yet she seemed unable to decide what she should do. Saying no and withdrawing seemed the easiest decision, but she felt guilty about doing so for a ritual she felt no qualms about accepting in the first place.
She had until Obi-Wan informed when the ritual would take place. In the meantime, she resolved to cease agnosising about it, in the hope that time would provide the answer.
Author’s Note: Now you know the basic premise of the story, I shall spoiler a little. There are two choices now. Option one is that Anakin is able to perform the ritual. In Option two, he cannot rise to the occasion.
© Danielle Harwood-Atkinson 2021. All rights reserved.