Trust Your Feelings

Part I

One year after the battle of Naboo

The ballroom was lit with candles and crowded with people who were chatting vividly with each other. The Gala dinner had just ended and everybody was waiting for the music to begin. Everyone except Obi-Wan Kenobi who was standing at the side looking wearily around. He had tried to persuade the Council to give him a mission while the celebrations for the liberation of Naboo took place. After all it was against the Jedi philosophy to accept any reward for what they have done in service for the republic; even if in this case the reward was an invitation to celebrate the heroes of Naboo. It bothered him that the Council had decided to make an exception and sent him here together with Anakin. Obi-Wan wasn't the person to enjoy the attention and he feared that the open admiration would add even more to his Padawan's tendency for arrogance. Besides Anakin was still talking about Padmé, the Queen, as if she were the love of his life and Obi-Wan had hoped that without seeing her again the ten-year-old would get over this crush. However, at the moment the boy was standing beside her hanging at her lips as she spoke with the Supreme Chancellor.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. Palpatine must be the reason why the Council had sent them here. Surely he he had requested their presence to see Anakin. The young Knight didn't like the Chancellor's attitude toward his Padawan. Ever since the battle of Naboo Palpatine had invited the boy regularly over to his office and when his Padawan returned from their meetings Obi-Wan had the feeling that he was even more full of himself than usual. Besides the Chancellor didn't live up to the Jedi's expectations regarding the corruption in the Senate. Nothing had changed since he had been elected and sometimes Obi-Wan found that things even got worse. No, he didn't like the man at all.

As if sensing his scrutiny Palpatine looked up and locked eyes with him. Obi-Wan saw the brief flicker of annoyance in the cold eyes when he didn't avoid the gaze, then the Chancellor returned his attention toward Padmé and Anakin.

Obi-Wan turned around looking for something to drink and found a waiter with a tray circling through the room. Taking a glass of water he looked for a spot to avoid being seen and observed the first couples moving to the dance floor. He knew that Padmé must have told her handmaidens to dance with him. However, he wasn't in the mood to enjoy the evening. Gatherings like this one were always a burden to him and all the more here on Naboo where he had lost his Master.

His senses were on alert despite the obvious peaceful atmosphere in the room. He was a Jedi and he couldn't help himself. He felt a flicker of joy coming over the bond he shared with Anakin and saw the boy moving to the dance floor with Padmé. Well, this didn't improve his mood. It wasn't something to make the boy forget his infatuation. Once more he sensed Palpatine's gaze on him but refused to look back. Something about this man always made him shiver. Retreating even more into the shadows he sighed and decided to bide his time until he would be able to excuse himself without being impolite.

Two dances later he felt pity for Padmé who didn't seem to be able to tell Anakin that it was enough. The boy's enthusiasm was cute but Obi-Wan was well aware of the fact that a Queen had other duties to follow. Besides Anakin hadn't had any lessons in dancing yet and it must be tiring for her to keep up appearances. Setting his glass down Obi-Wan moved toward the pair and saw Padmé smiling gratefully when she spotted him.

“I think it's my turn, my Padawan,” Obi-Wan said and his gentle demand didn't leave any room for defiance. Anakin gave him an annoyed glare. However, he knew when to follow his Master's orders and gave Obi-Wan a court nod. Looking to Padmé he bowed and said politely, “Thank you for this dance, Padmé. I hope we'll do it again soon.”

Padmé gave him a winning smile. “I'm sure we will, Anakin. Why don't you go to Dormé, she already told me that she wanted to have a dance with you.”

The boy retreated not without giving Obi-Wan one more withering glare and the young Knight took Padmé's hand.

She walked into his arms and they danced silently for a while until she looked up and said, “Thank you for the rescue.”

He smiled back. “You shouldn't encourage him. He already has a crush on you.”

“Has he?” she responded with a wink. “Well, I am sorry that I must disappoint him then. As Queen of Naboo I am not allowed to pursue a romantic relationship.” She giggled at her own words knowing well enough that Anakin was far too young for something like that.

Obi-Wan chuckled with her but instantly grew serious again. “I mean it, Padmé. Anakin is not the average ten year old. He won't let it drop. You shouldn't give him a reason to get his hopes up.”

She looked back at him and he couldn't quite read the questioning expression in her eyes. Then she gave him one of her irresistible smiles and said, “You're taking things too seriously, Obi-Wan. I know you teach him well but he is a child after all and sometimes he needs to be treated as such.”

He raised his eyebrows at that. “Did he complain?”

“He wouldn't do that as you well know. However, it didn't escape my notice that you are very strict with him.”

“Padmé, he's training to become a Jedi. He knew when he decided to join us that this wouldn't be easy. It's even more trying for him because he wasn't brought up in the temple. He doesn't like to follow rules and he has a hard time to keep his emotions in check.”

She rolled her eyes. “And why is that, Obi-Wan? He grew up as a slave. He had to follow rules his whole life and these rules hadn't even been justified. I deem it quite healthy that he has a bit of defiance left after this. And. . . you must consider that he lost his mother. The one thing that kept him going. It won't help to ignore his feelings. You should try to work through them with him.”

He gave her a dumfounded look. Did she just lecture him? A fifteen-year-old girl telling him how to handle his Padawan? However, he knew she had a point. He had never looked at things from Anakin's perspective, always pursuing the one goal that kept him going, fulfilling Qui-Gon's death wish and training Anakin to be a good Jedi. He should have known that it wasn't working. Wistfully he thought about his own times as Padawan. Hadn't he tried to get Qui-Gon's approval for a long time? Hadn't he always doubted that he was worthy of becoming a Jedi? He swallowed deeply. He was about to put Anakin through the very same thing.

Padmé gave him a concerned look. “I apologize for speaking so openly, Obi-Wan,” she said with honest regret in her voice.

He shook his head. “Don't ever apologize for being honest with me, Padmé. You just gave me a lot to think about. I am not used to showing affection. Qui-Gon was like a father for me but he always kept his feelings to himself.”

She smiled. “I understand that.” Seeing that he struggled with the things she had told him she tried to reassure him, “You could start with trusting your own feelings, Obi-Wan.”

He gave her a grateful look. “Well, that should be something to begin with then.”

Part II

Five years later

Padmé saw them entering the ballroom before the two Jedi had been able to spot her. She had anticipated this moment. During the last five years Obi-Wan Kenobi hadn't been able to participate in the celebrations and she was happy that he and Anakin could make it this year. Master and Padawan seemed to be more at ease with each other than five years before. She smiled when she saw Anakin winking at Obi-Wan and saying something to which the older man reacted with a mocking scandalized expression.

Anakin had grown into an attractive young man who was instantly surrounded by her handmaidens. He seemed to enjoy the attention and after a few minutes he was already flirting with Dormé and Sabé. Obi-Wan stepped aside with an amused shake of his head.

Padmé approached him from behind when he was standing at the open door exiting to the Palace gardens. “You want to take a walk, Master Kenobi?” She asked and he turned around to her smiling broadly when he recognized who had spoken to him.

“I am still Obi-Wan to you,” he responded and took her arm. “I would very much enjoy you showing me around.”

They walked in companionable silence next to each other until they were far enough away from the festivities to not being seen. Padmé heaved a deep sigh.

“This is my last year as Queen and I am more than happy to give up duties like these.”

He laughed at that. “I can understand that. I always loathe it when the Council sends me to represent the Jedi on events like these.”

“Is that the reason why you couldn't make it during the last few years?”

He shook his head. “I really wanted to see you again. However after we had returned Anakin's training became more demanding and since we've been working quite well together the Council sent us on many missions.”

She smiled. “Well, as far as I have heard you are one of the best Master/Padawan teams the Jedi have. And you are the youngest Jedi Master ever appointed to the Council. Chancellor Palpatine speaks very highly about the two of you.”

Obi-Wan cringed at hearing the Chancellor's name. Anakin had told him often enough how Palpatine was praising them and he didn't like it one bit. Even Anakin had become suspicious over the last few years that the man wasn't honest with him.

“We wouldn't have been able to achieve our good relationship if it hadn't been for you, Padmé,” Obi-Wan said without voicing his concerns about Palpatine. This was neither the time nor the place to speak about politics.

She gave him a questioning look and he explained. “I followed your advice and you were right. Anakin was insecure about his place at my side and he needed someone to rely on more than a strict Master. I had many discussions with the Council when I began changing my attitude toward him. They thought I was too soft with him. But after all we were able to build a relationship of trust to each other. Anakin helped me quite a lot to deal with my feelings and I am happy that I listened to you.”

She gave him a nod. “I am glad it worked out for you both. He even stopped talking about me then?”

He laughed. “Yes, he did. I think after he lost his mother, you were the only person he thought he could rely on. Now that he knows his place at my side and in the Jedi order he stopped talking about you as if you were the love of his life. He is attractive enough to get the attention of many female Jedi and I am sure he has already made some experiences.”

She looked up. “I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi?”

He shook his head. “Love and attachment is forbidden. But we all had our little experiences when we were adolescents. It's just that we have to decide one day. The time for Anakin hasn't arrived yet.”

“So, you chose to be a Jedi? You had to decide against love?” She asked with a puzzled look on her face.

She saw a flicker of sadness in his eyes. “I did. If you want to be a Jedi you have to commit your life to it. Having a family would make us vulnerable. Possible enemies could go after them. That's why attachment is forbidden. Besides wanting to protect those we love could very well lead us to the Dark Side.”

She contemplated his explanation. Then she shook her head. “No, I don't think that's right. Everyone becomes vulnerable if he loves someone. You loved Qui-Gon and you love Anakin. However, you were able to let Qui-Gon go and you didn't hesitate to fight the Sith to save my planet. I am sure you did the same when you were on your missions with Anakin. I don't believe that it's love that leads a Jedi to the Dark Side. It's the inability to let people go and accept that they could die.”

His eyes widened and she saw him taking a deep breath. Once more she thought that she had overstepped her boundaries but after a moment he inclined his head slightly and said with a smile in his eyes, “I was sure that you would teach me another lesson when I came here. I believe I have yet much to learn before I will be able to follow your advice to trust my feelings completely.”

Three years later

Being on Naboo without his Padawan was a new experience for Obi-Wan. However, he was sure that the young man was exactly where he belonged at the moment. After the nightmares about Anakin's mother had begun, Obi-Wan had discussed with the Council that a visit on Tatooine was in order. As expected the Council had refused his suggestion. But Obi-Wan hadn't ceased to repeat his request until Master Yoda had allowed Anakin to go looking for his mother. They hadn't let him on a solo mission before, but as it was time to prepare the young man for the trials they had decided that Master Windu would be the one to accompany him.

Deep down in his heart Obi-Wan was well aware of the fact that Master Yoda didn't trust Obi-Wan to handle things professionally enough. The ancient Master had noticed his changed attitude toward attachments and he didn't approve of it. However, Padmé's words had worked within him long enough and he wasn't ready to hide his opinion any longer. The Jedi were wrong and his relationship with Anakin was proof enough that voicing feelings and acknowledging love was a good thing. He didn't mind that his change had made him somewhat of a maverick in the Jedi order. The role suited him better than that of the obedient Jedi.

He saw Chancellor Palpatine talking with Padmé when he made his entrance into the ballroom and tried to hide but to no avail. The Chancellor had him already spotted and walked over toward him.

“Master Kenobi, what a pleasure to see you,” he said and Obi-Wan responded with a respectful bow.

“Chancellor, I am glad that I could make it this time. Padmé, it's good to see you.”

Padmé smiled at him and nodded. “I am happy to see you too, Obi-Wan.”

Palpatine was looking around questioningly. “Where is your Padawan, Master Kenobi? We hoped he would make an appearance this year.”

Obi-Wan gave the man a polite smile. “I am sorry, but Anakin had to go on a mission with Master Windu. He needs to prepare his trials at the moment.”

Obi-Wan couldn't fight the cold feeling creeping up his spine when he saw the slight suspicion in the Chancellor's gaze. He couldn’t point a finger on it but something was definitely wrong with the man.

“Well, you have to excuse me. I need to talk to the Queen.” The Chancellor said coldly and turned toward Padmé. “I hope you're going to think about my suggestion. I'd really enjoy having you on Coruscant.”

With that Palpatine left and Obi-Wan looked at Padmé with a question in his eyes.

“He asked me to run for Senator,” she explained.

He gave her a nod. “A good choice. I can picture you quite well in that position.”

She shrugged. “I don't know. I enjoyed the last two years without politics. It was rewarding to work with the children at the orphanage.”

“I heard you founded one,” he said and took her arm. Without asking her he led her outside the ballroom into the gardens and she followed gladly.

“I did and I love the work there. I can't imagine giving it up to go back into politics. And being on Coruscant. . .”

He laughed. “Well, I understand that the prospect isn't what you wish for. If I lived on Naboo, I wouldn't want to leave either.”

She gave him a smile and then he saw something in her eyes he couldn't interpret. “It's a pity you don't live here then,” she said and blushed.

He looked at her with surprise. Had there really been regret in her voice? For the first time he saw her as the woman she now was not the girl she had once been. Her gaze mirrored insecurity as to how he would react to her words and the light pink color on her cheeks betrayed her anxiety. He swallowed deeply. She couldn't . . . or could she?

She was an attractive woman and she was the one person after Anakin he felt close to. The few encounters with her had changed his life profoundly and for the first time he realized how much he had been looking forward to seeing her again.

“Obi-Wan?” she interrupted his thoughts and he shook his head.

“You know that even if I wanted, I wouldn't be able to live here. . .”

So much more was hidden in his words and she knew it. He saw the sadness in her eyes when she gave him a nod. Then she gave him a wan smile.

“If I were to go to Coruscant, it wouldn't change anything, would it?” she asked and when he shook his head she smiled sadly.

“Well, no point in going then. I don't want to get involved in the corruption of the Senate again.”

Later on his way home Obi-Wan realized that this time she hadn't given him a lecture but that once more she had changed his life. There was still much to learn about trusting his feelings.

Part III

One year later

“Master. . .” Anakin said and Obi-Wan gave him a stern look.

“It's Obi-Wan now. No need to call me Master.”

Anakin smiled. “Sorry I need to get used to this first, Obi-Wan. Anyway, what are you going to do about Padmé?”

Obi-Wan gave him an exasperated look. “You know very well that there is nothing to do.”

Anakin rolled his eyes at that. “Come on, Obi-Wan. . .” he stressed the use of his Master's given name. “You are madly in love with her and as far as I understand the sentiment is mutual.”

Obi-Wan blushed a bit and breathed in to regain his serenity. He had to admit that his former Padawan was right. However, he knew that he couldn't act on his feelings. “I. Am. A. Jedi,” he stressed every single word as if to convince himself of the deeper truth in it.

Anakin gave him a solemn nod. “You are and . . . You'll always be, no matter what.”

With that the young man left him standing at the entrance having spotted Dormé who was waving happily into their direction.

Obi-Wan took a deep breath. They had had this argument often enough during the last year when Anakin had become aware of the depth of Obi-Wan's feelings for the former Queen. The young man had encouraged him to acknowledge his love and Obi-Wan had been painfully reminded of his first visit here, when Padmé had told him that he had to trust his feelings. As loath as he was to admit he had thought about leaving the order to be with her. Only his deep sense of duty had prevented him from doing so until now. He had practically begged Master Yoda not to send him here this year but the ancient Master had refused with a knowing smile. “Time to make a decision it is, Obi-Wan,” he had said and dismissed him.

He looked around but wasn't able to spot her. Reaching out with the Force however, he felt her presence immediately. Turning around he went for the gardens and there she sat on a bench apparently deep immersed in thought.

He coughed slightly as not to startle her and she turned around. Her brown eyes met his gaze and he swallowed trying to get a word out. Her bright smile made his heart pound and suddenly there was no question what his decision would be. Anakin was right, he would remain a Jedi no matter where he was and what he did. This woman was his destiny and he wouldn't let her go because of the Order.

She looked at him questioningly and when she locked eyes with him it seemed as if she could read him as an open book. She stood up and moved toward him, carefully asking for permission. When he opened his arms she stepped into his embrace and he felt the Force vibrating between them. This was where he belonged. Perhaps it wasn't so difficult to trust his own feelings.

Five years later

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan rushed toward the door leaving etiquette aside when he saw his former Padawan entering the ballroom.

The younger man laughed happily and replied, “Obi-Wan, I can't tell you how glad I am to see you!”

Placing his arm over Anakin's shoulder, Obi-Wan led the Jedi into the room. “Well, we are happy to have you here. After all you are the hero of the Republic now.”

Anakin laughed at that. “I hear that often these days. However, Master Windu and I wouldn't have been able to blow Palpatine's cover if it hadn't been for you and your research. The Council asked me to bring you to Coruscant after the celebrations. They want to thank you in person.”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “I am honored by their request. However, I can't leave Naboo at the moment.” Anakin followed his gaze and saw Padmé waiting for them. She smiled broadly and Anakin knew immediately why Obi-Wan wouldn't come with him.

Surprised he asked, “When?”

The proud expression on his former Master's face almost made him laugh. “The twins will be making their appearance any time now. We've expected them even before today.”

“Twins?” exclaimed Anakin.

Obi-Wan nodded then he grew serious. “We would like you to be their godfather. If the Council allows such an attachment.”

Anakin gave him a happy smile. “I won't let them have a word in this. I am honored that you would choose me.”

They went over to Padmé and after Anakin had greeted her he turned around to Obi-Wan again. “You have to tell me though. . . How did you come to suspect Palpatine of all people?”

Obi-Wan nodded having expected the question. “Palpatine tried often enough to put a distance between you and me when you were a Padawan. He increased your insecurities and even after you got over your childhood crush with Padmé, he didn't stop to plant mistrust and jealousy between us. Fortunately our trust wasn't easily broken and when I took over the position as security officer here on Naboo, I decided to research his past. With the help of the Force I found the information the Jedi needed to prove that he was the Sith they were searching for.”

Anakin smiled knowingly. “I'd say you trusted your feelings, Obi-Wan.”

Obi-Wan moved over to Padmé and said to Anakin, “I've learned that lesson well enough.” Then he took his wife his arms and whispered in her ear, “And I will be forever grateful to you for giving me this particular lesson, my Queen.”

THE END

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